The Pain of Loving Two
by KlutzyDoraLupin
Summary: Remus has always loved Sirius. He thought he would spend forever with him. Then in 1981, everything fell apart & left him hating the man he'd loved for so long. Now, they are trying & failing to rekindle their once thriving love while the second war is brewing. It feels like the horrible old times again Except now, Remus is finding himself falling for a pink haired, spunky Auror
1. Prologue

Remus felt his heart squeeze painfully in his chest as he watched the deadly green light soar towards the person he had once wanted to spend his whole life with. He had been making his way to the woman he found himself caring for more and more. Tonks had been hit by a powerful spell or curse, he wasn't sure. It had knocked her off her already clumsy feet and he had watched her tumble down the painfully hard stone steps.

But before he could reach her at the bottom to see if she was still breathing, he heard the croak of Bellatrix Lestrange casting her curse. The words made almost every muscle freeze in terror. He turned and watched in horror as the sickeningly beautiful green light soared out of her wand and speed across the room right toward Sirius Black.

For that fleeting moment it took to reach him, Remus felt the air around him become thicker. He wanted to scream to Sirius, tell him to move, to not die on him. But the only thing he could do was scream the word _no_.

Sirius heard him and he was instantly given a newfound agility. He darted out of the curse's path in an instant, quicker than he knew he was capable, and landed on the ground at his godson's feet. He quickly pointed his wand towards his crazed cousin and screamed _"Avada Kedavra!" _

He growled in anger as she, too, dodged the curse. Before he could lift himself up, she sent a strong slicing hex then a cruciatus curse followed quickly after and the two hit him square in the chest, causing him to cry out in unbearable pain. He hadn't been hit with these spells in so long that he had forgotten how painful it was.

Harry wanted to cover his ears as he heard Sirius screams. But he and Remus only stared in shock as Bellatrix made her escape and Sirius lost consciousness. Harry gasped in shock as he watched his godfather's eyes close and the blood spew from his tattered shirt. With a newfound anger and hatred, Harry ran after Bellatrix, intending to kill her.

Remus was torn. He didn't know whether to run after Harry, to check on a still unmoving Tonks, or to run to Sirius and pray to Merlin he was still alive. He had to choose between the three people he truly cared for.

Before he could decide, he saw Dumbledore appear in the doorway that Bellatrix and Harry ran through. The old wizard pivoted and followed the path Harry had taken. At the same time, Tonks groaned in pain as her hands searched the ground for her wand. Mad-Eye was already crawling toward her and he knew she would be okay in a few minutes.

The decision was made for him.

Remus breathed a shocking sigh of relief as he turned from Tonks and ran to Sirius. He ignored the other injured Death Eaters crawling around, trying to escape the Order members. His eyes were only for Sirius and the faint rise and fall of his still bleeding chest.

"Sirius! Please, Sirius..." He pleaded as he knelt next to him, "Padfoot, _please. _Please, don't die."

His hands were shaking as he pointed his wand to the wound and wracked his brain for the correct spell. "Damn it!" Remus groaned as he let his wand fall, the spell not coming to him. He silently thanked his mother for teaching him how to use Muggle healing techniques when he was younger.

Pulling his overcoat off, he folded it as fast as his shaking hands would allow before pressing it hard against the deep cut. "For fucks sake, Sirius. You better not die. I have to kick your ass for ruining my damn coat!"

"Why not...just use...a spell, you idiot?" Sirius panted, his eyes still closed but a smirk on his lips.

Remus nearly collapsed from the immense relief. "I can't exactly think clearly! You scared the hell out of me!"

"Use...Snivellus' spell. The one...he used when he...cut open his buddy. Back in...sixth year, remember? He was aiming...for James. But got that...complete prat, Avery."

Remus closed his eyes and nodded, letting the memory take over as he pointed his wand and said "_Vulnera Sanentur." _With a relief so profound he nearly wept, he watched the wound slowly knit together.

Sirius grunted a bit at the discomfort but smiled up at Remus as the pain dissipated. "Thanks, love. Help me up, will you?"

Remus helped him sit up and quickly looked to Tonks, who was being examined by Kingsley. She seemed alert, yet embarrassed. She looked him in the eyes and smiled while nodding, letting him know she was okay. Remus quickly diverted his eyes, trying to ignore the flutter in his chest that her smile caused.

Instead, he focused on his boyfriend. His recently injured, recently acquired boyfriend. The one he should be focusing on. He was asking something and he seemed quite frantic. "Where's Harry?" Sirius asked as he scanned the near empty room. "He was right next to me, where is he?!"

"He ran after Bellatrix. I'm sorry!" Remus apologized immediately, the realization hitting him. He should've gone after Harry instead. "Dumbledore had followed him, so I went...I went to you."

Sirius quickly pushed himself up to stand, a look of anger set in his face. "You should've gone after _him!_ He's our priority, Remus! Which way did he go?!"

All Remus could do was point and follow as Sirius fought back the fatigue and ran to find Harry, clinging on to Remus' hand with a mighty grip.

Tonks watched them with a mix of jealousy and sadness. She saw how Remus looked away from her, as if he were repulsed by her. But then why had he stared in the first place? It was no secret that Sirius and Remus were in love when they were young, but a part of her had thought that he felt something for her, too.

She felt foolish as she watched them both practically run out, holding each other's hands.

Remus and Sirius both staggered to a stop as they watched Voldemort disappear with Bellatrix and they looked down to see someone lying on the ground, reaching for glasses. Harry groaned in pain as he held his head after placing his glasses on while Dumbledore lifted him to his feet.

Sirius was about to go to his godson when Remus grabbed his arm and gestured to the horde of Ministry workers and Aurors just waiting to arrest _The Mass Murderer: Sirius Black. _But Sirius didn't care, he yanked his arm away and ran to Harry.

At first, Harry didn't know who had wrapped their arms around him and tried to fight them off. The moment Sirius whispered, "It's me, Harry." he looked up and smiled like a little boy on Christmas morning.

"I thought you were dead!" Harry laughed in shock while hugging Sirius with all the strength he had left.

The gasps from the Ministry crowd made Remus cringe; this was bad, extremely bad. He quickly made his way to the two he had lost and found and stood in front of them protectively as the Aurors began to walk forward.

Dumbledore raised his hands and shouted at Fudge, "You now know I was right! I was speaking the truth when I said that Voldemort had returned! Now, trust me when I say that Sirius Black was wrongly imprisoned!"

"B-But Dumbledore! He was- The Potters chose- Everyone knows he was their Secret Keeper!" Fudge sputtered while Sirius reached forward to grab onto Remus' forearm.

With a reassuring grin, Dumbledore turned to Remus and whispered, "Get them both out of here. I will handle this."

Nodding, Remus turned and made sure Sirius had a hold of Harry and his own arm before Disapparating to Grimmauld Place.

As they materialized across the street from Sirius' childhood home, the former...and slowly reuniting couple...shared a meaningful look. _Everything has just changed._

* * *

Tonks stepped out into the lobby of the Ministry, hearing Dumbledore shout that Sirius Black was innocent. The secret must've been out then. That wasn't much of a surprise. Sirius had run to the Ministry half cocked. He hadn't even thought of what would happen if he were to be seen. Remus had warned him to stay behind..._stay here where it's safe, Sirius. They'll take you!_...were his exact words. But he had said Harry was more important and followed them.

So seeing Aurors ready to arrest the fugitive wasn't that surprising.

What did surprise her was the ripping feeling she felt in her chest as she watched Remus stand protectively in front of Sirius. Like he was a shield made just for him. She felt her sinuses burn as the tears threatened to spill.

"We should Apparate to the back of the crowd, pretend that we just arrived. Act clueless." Kingsley's deep voice whispered right beside her, making her jump. "They shouldn't know that we were part of the Order. Not yet."

She nodded slowly, trying to swallow back the tears before he and Mad-Eye saw them gleaming in her eyes. "Right. After you..." She whispered just as Remus Disapparated with Sirius and Harry in tow.

Hearing the two _pops!_ from Mad-Eye and Kingsley, she counted to ten then took a deep breath and turned on the spot.

When she opened her eyes, she wasn't standing behind a crowd or beside her mentor. She was standing across from Grimmauld Place. This is why she hated Apparition. She was _always_ clumsy, in every sense of the word. You were supposed to have a clear head when you Apparated, so as not to end up somewhere you didn't intend to be. And look what happened.

She had been thinking of Remus and Sirius and now here she was, watching them climb up the steps to the disgusting black hole of a house. She felt like an intruder as she watched Remus smile at him like he was the only person in the world, as she watched Sirius lead Harry into the house and quickly reach up and give Remus a quick peck of a kiss.

They were happy...Fighting the urge to cry, she quickly focused on her _proper_ destination and Disapparated. She swore, if it was the last thing she did...she would let him be happy.

* * *

"Now...go to bed. You know where your room is. We'll talk about the dangers of sneaking out of school in the morning." Sirius told Harry, but it lacked the discipline that McGonagall used on them both.

Sirius was aware that he very nearly died tonight, that Harry had thought he was dead. It made him completely miserable for the less than five minutes he thought so, there was no way in hell he was about to go yell at the kid.

Harry looked only too happy to obey his orders. A huge grin spread across his face as he took the steps two at a time.

Remus waited patiently until he heard Harry's bedroom door close before he went to Sirius and wrapped his arms around him tightly. He had wanted to give him a proper kiss him but they had agreed to take things slow not too long ago.

Sirius hugged him back and buried his face in the crook of his neck. "I take it I scared you..." He muttered into his skin.

"You think? I was frantic. Could barely hold my wand."

That made Sirius smirk, "I could definitely make that a dirty joke. But because this conversation is somewhat serious, no pun intended, I'll refrain."

"We both know that pun was well intended." Remus smiled and kissed his forehead, "But in all honesty, you scared me half to death...I thought...what Harry thought."

Sirius looked up to him and smiled, "You can't get rid of me that easily. Stop worrying so much, you'll wrinkle."

"The thing is, I _can_ lose you that easily." Remus sighed as he pulled away from him, not liking how he was trying to make light of it all. "Just like before. We were...We were happy and an actual couple. We were together and planning our future after the war and then...it all came crashing down in one night. That could've easily happened tonight and you know it."

Scratching the back of his neck, he sighed. He hated when Remus brought up the past. He hated it. It all came to an abrupt end that night because of him and his inability to think things through. "I'm pretty sure my heart is still beating under this extremely attractive chest" He tried to joke but was met with a stern yet soft glare. "...But I know."

"Do you? You repeated your mistakes tonight. You ran in and were ready to fight without thinking of yourself or what would happen to you! Just like that night. You just ran off to kill Peter without a second thought of what would become of us, of _Harry_, if it went wrong. Just. Like. Tonight!" Remus worked to control his voice, his temper slowly rising. He didn't want to fight, not now.

But hearing him just joke it off, like his nearly dying wasn't a big deal, it grated his already sensitive nerves.

Sirius threw his hands in the air and shrugged, "What do you want from me? I'm not a Ravenclaw!" He sighed in exasperation, already missing the feel of Remus' arms around him.

"Yeah...you're really not." Remus sighed, "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to..."

"To be an emotional werewolf and start shouting at me while hugging me. I know." Sirius smiled while walking toward him again. "You have good reason to. I don't think things through."

Remus slowly nodded, looking at a place at Sirius' feet while reaching out to take hold of his hands. "You don't. The one time you leave the house to fight and you're gravely injured."

"It was completely an accident. Not like I was trying to break a record." Sirius chuckled and was relieved to see a small smile grace Remus' face.

"It just comes naturally." Remus agreed. "I swear, between you and Tonks, I'm going to have a bloody heart attack by the time I'm forty." He smiled before realizing what he had just said.

Sirius' smile faltered as he mulled over his words and fought the panic that was rising in his chest. "W-Why Tonks?"

Opening and closing his mouth like a fish, Remus looked up to him and shrugged. He had no idea what to say. He was floundering. How could he do this? How could he tell him when he didn't even know himself? "She's...just my friend. We've grown to be close friends...since the Order was reformed." He prayed that Sirius would believe him. Hell_, he_ tried to believe it himself.

There was no way he was developing any sort of romantic feelings for the girl. Not after being so heartbroken over Sirius for all these years. How ridiculous would that be? To finally get him back and then fall for Tonks? It was beyond ridiculous. But the flutters in his chest that she caused..._NO! _He couldn't think this while Sirius was analyzing his every move.

Sirius felt an odd pain in his chest, one he hadn't felt before. Not from Remus, anyway. "Just...friends. Because that's every guy's go to excuse, right?" He sounded breathless as he slowly squeezed Remus' hands in his own and felt a nervous sweat there.

"I didn't mean anything by it. I swear, Padfoot. She's a friend. I care for her. Just as I do Molly, Arthur...Mad-Eye, even." He tried to convince them both. He had never been here, never been this man. He felt a deep pain in his heart as Sirius looked away from him and yanked his hands from his.

"But you don't have a heart attack when Mad-Eye loses another part of his face...Or when Molly burns her hand. Only...her." Sirius spoke in such a small voice that Remus wanted to get on his knees and beg him to believe him. He didn't want to ruin them when they were already so fragile. "I get it. I mean, it's not like we're back at Hogwarts. Time passed."

"No...Sirius, no." Remus now begged. "I promise you. I promise, there's nothing between me and her. Nothing more than friendship. I mean it."

Sirius desperately wanted to believe him. After all this time they had been apart, he had told himself that Remus would move on eventually. But being faced with the possibility of it...it nearly tore him in two. But the look in his eyes...he had tears. How could he be lying?

"You swear?"

Remus prayed for forgiveness because in the deepest parts of himself, he knew that there was far more than just friendship. He had cared for her more than he ever cared for Lily or Marlene or Alice. This was different. But he didn't want to lose Sirius...Not again. He didn't think his heart could take it. "I swear."

He felt disgusted with himself, but Remus let Sirius hug him and apologize for jumping to conclusions. Sirius was just as disgusted with himself...Who knowingly shares a man? He was the world's biggest fool.

* * *

_**I wrote this prologue a couple years ago and never uploaded it here.**_

_**I'm going to be updating it in a few minutes with the newest chapter that I just finished writing and I hope there are people that are reading this and that you'll all like it.**_


	2. Chapter 1

_Falling in love can be so easy when you don't realize it's happening. _

_Remus Lupin knew that to be a fact. _

_It happened only once in his life. _

_It had started the day his life changed._

_He was barely eleven years old and he had just said goodbye to his mother and father. Butterflies were dancing away in the pit of his stomach; he felt the earth glide beneath him as the train sped through the beautiful countryside._

_Outside of his compartment, he saw the many other students' shadows running passed as they looked for their own seats. He sat alone._

_His mother had told him to try and make friends but to also be extremely careful in who he trusts. The headmaster had also warned him. They had assumed that he would go blabbing about his affliction to the first kids he saw._

_They were wrong. The mere thought of sitting with anyone who would point out his scars was so terrifying that he ran to the first compartment he saw was vacant and prayed no one would walk in._

_He preferred to be alone._

_That was until two boys slid the door open and shouted their greetings at him. The one with the glasses introduced himself as James. He seemed caring enough when he sat across from Remus, but he had commented on his scars and that made him feel like a circus side show animal._

_The other boy smiled at him and sat beside him. "Hi, I'm Sirius." He had said with a cheerfulness that Remus wished he possessed. _

_Remus had stammered a hello and told them his name. Then he took a deep breath and recited the long told story. "My scars...It was an accident when I was little." He put the memory out of his mind as he shrugged, "I can barely remember how I got them. My mum never lets me out of her sight though, so it must've been bad."_

_Sirius had looked at him for a moment while James had said something about how he wished he had some type of scar to show how adventurous he was - maybe one on his forehead or cheek, somewhere noticeable._

_Remus struggled to joke along about how scars meant you were cool when Sirius put his hand over his and whispered, "I know you're lying. But that's okay, I lie about my scars too."_

_James had rolled his eyes and complained of how he had been interrupted. It was obvious he had no clue what was said that took Remus' attention from him._

_He was shocked that someone had seen through his tale and did nothing but stare at Sirius as the butterflies decided to double in size and quantity while picking up their pace. And Sirius smiled kindly at him before he moved his eyes from Remus to James and the two started chattering about Quidditch._

_It was such a simple moment between them. They were just kids, but if you asked a teenage Remus Lupin when he fell in love with Sirius Black, he would've thought back to that moment._

* * *

Remus looked up from the novel he had been skimming through when he heard an urgent knock on his front door.

He hadn't been expecting anyone - the beauty of seclusion. He hadn't even given his whereabouts to more than two people.

Placing his book on the side table, he took a deep breath and hoped whoever it was on the other side of the door hadn't come to bring bad news. "I'm coming." He called out as the knocking continued.

He paced to the door and pulled it open right after the knocking ceased. He felt a familiar jolt in his chest as he saw the one and only Sirius Black standing in front of him.

It took him a moment to realize the danger of him being out in the open. "Sirius...What the bloody hell are you doing?! Someone could see you." He scolded as he gripped his arm and yanked him inside.

Sirius chuckled nervously and crossed his arms while the front door slammed shut. "It's not like the neighbors are going to see me." He said sarcastically.

Remus rolled his eyes. He had no neighbors and maybe he did sound foolish since they were probably the only people here for miles, but he wasn't about to tell him that.

"Do you want a cup of tea?" He asked while making his way to his tiny kitchen. He felt his cheeks go hot as he looked at his house from an outsider's perspective. "I could look for a spare cup for you."

It was so damn small that a house elf would look rather large in it. And it was cluttered with books and paintings he'd collected through the years. It was all an embarrassing hermit's nest.

Sirius had followed into the kitchen and watched him with tired eyes. "Will you stop? Whatever you're embarrassed about - be it your clothes, your scars, your house - you don't have to be. I'm not judging you in the slightest, I never have."

He turned and offered a bashful smile. "I forgot how good you were at reading people." It was a damn annoying talent of his.

"Only you." Sirius grinned back and then leaned against the counter. "I'm only good at reading you." He mulled over his next words as Remus fumbled with finding an extra cup for him.

With a sigh, his grin disappeared. "It's okay, Moony, I don't want tea. I was sent here to tell you something."

A feeling of unease began to build in his stomach. Walking over to the miniature dining table, he took a seat and looked to his old friend...his old _boy_friend. "Well that doesn't sound too good. Who sent you?"

"Dumbledore. It's about Harry." Sirius spoke with a softness that Remus recognized from the old days, before they lost James and Lily. He would hear that tone when he missed a particular battle with the Death Eaters and one of their friends had perished.

If you wanted to give Remus Lupin a heart attack, all you had to do was speak of Harry in a tone that told you to prepare for the worst.

"What happened? Is he hurt?" He asked with such a panicked urgency that Sirius sat beside him and put his hands atop of his. "The final task took place tonight, didn't it? I was planning on going but then I thought that it would've been a bad idea seeing as they all know I'm a werewolf. Oh Merlin, I should've been there!" He rambled with a shaky voice, "How badly was he hurt?!"

He squeezed his shaking hands reassuringly before offering a weak smile, "Hey, calm down. You're going to work yourself into an attack." He bit his lip and thought of how he was going to tell him.

"Damn it, Sirius, just get on with it! If you don't want me to go into hysterics, tell me now!"

"Okay! He was hurt, yes. But, not too bad." He promised, "He got one good slice on his arm, from what I saw. And he's very shaken up."

Remus let out a rush of air, "You were with him? You saw him?"

Nodding, he continued, "I was there. I couldn't stay away, and it's a good thing I didn't. He was brilliant, honestly. I'd never been prouder. But then something happened. There was some port key, I think. And well he fought...He fought Voldemort, Remus."

There was a beat of silence as those words registered in his mind; as what that actually meant set in - it's starting all over again.

"How?!" He realized how his voice mimicked a mermaid's out of the water, but he didn't care. _Voldemort was back_. "And Harry! We have to protect him, Sirius! If he's back then the prophecy is still to come true!"

Sirius flinched and began rubbing soothing circles on the top of Remus' hands. "He's safe now. That's why I came to get you, we have to get the Order back together. We have to make sure the prophecy works out in our favor."

With a shaky nod, Remus pulled his sweaty hands away and stood from his seat. "How did he come back? Do you know?"

A wave of anger and loathing rushed through Sirius as he thought of who was responsible for it all. Every damn thing. "Peter." He spat the name. "Harry said he used him to do it. He used dark magic. He took Harry's blood and Harry said something about a bone and Peter sacrificed his hand."

Remus' eyes echoed the anger that shown so fiercely in his. "I should've killed him when I had the chance. He's the reason for all of this."

He was not one for violence, but in that instance he wished more than anything else that somehow his old friend would appear in front of him just so he could die a slow and painful death by his hands.

It still kept him up at night. The feelings of betrayal and hatred. Before he became Professor at Hogwarts and reunited with his former love, those feelings were directed at him and him alone. He believed what everyone else did - that Sirius had proven he was a true Black and he betrayed their surrogate family.

When he put the pieces together as Harry did, that pure hatred doubled in size and went right to Peter. Not only was he responsible for Lily and James' deaths...he made him hate and wish death on the one man he had been so in love with in his whole life.

He glanced up at that very man and his heart ached with regret. _So many wasted years. _

"I know what you mean. When Harry told me..." Sirius shook his head and crossed his arms. "I've never felt more terrified."

Remus paced the kitchen and began biting his thumbnail, "Was anyone else there with him? Besides Peter?"

"Yes. Voldemort killed a boy...The other Hogwarts student in the tournament. Hufflepuff, I think. Diggory."

"I taught him...He was brilliant. His poor father." Remus felt a sharp pain in his chest for the loss of his former student but closed his eyes to hide his shameful relief, "We're lucky Harry didn't meet the same fate."

Sirius nodded his agreement before looking around, "Do you know where any of the others are? From the Order? I was asked to call them back..."

"I'm still in contact with a few. I assume Minerva, Mad-Eye, and Hagrid are already aware."

Again, he nodded, "Check those off the list."

Remus crossed his arms tight against his chest, "We'll find the others..."

"Then let's go. The sooner we do this, the sooner I can go to Harry." Sirius said with a quick clap of his hands.

With a small smile, Remus looked for his wand and coat. It was feeling like old times. And he wasn't sure if he should feel happy - because he's with Sirius - or extremely sad - because of the fact that another war was beginning.

* * *

After some talking to, Dumbledore agreed to let Sirius accompany Remus, but only if he were under an invisibility cloak when in the Wizarding World. Remus had suggested Polyjuice but Dumbledore had said that would take too long to brew seeing as Crouch took Hogwarts' emergency supply.

It had taken them a little over three weeks to track down their old friends and comrades in arms. A heavy number of them almost attacked Sirius when he'd reveal himself, believing the wanted posters.

But each one was told the truth by an extremely calm Remus. And as soon as they understood, they each geared themselves up for what was coming and traveled to the site of their new Headquarters - Grimmauld Place.

Their first meeting together was that night and that made Remus a bit nervous. He always hated the meetings - where they had to discuss what to do, what could happen to them during or if the war was lost, what was happening to the Wizarding World by Voldemort and his followers. He felt it was all just a depressing cloud being added to the one perpetually attached to him.

But that wasn't what was bothering him now.

Walking around his room, the one right next to Sirius's, he let his mind wander to the conversation turned argument he and Sirius shared earlier that day and what happened after.

_Pacing away from the small cottage owned by Sturgis Podmore, Sirius hesitantly reached out to grasp Remus' cold hand in his, careful to keep his covered by the cloak. That familiar buzz spread through him at the contact and he smiled to himself as Remus grasped onto him lightly over the cloak, almost like a reflex._

_He glanced over at the scarred man and took notice of the premature grey hair on his head and felt a pang in his chest. So much time was wasted, so much..._

_"Remus... What are we going to do?" He whispered into the oncoming wind with a hint of nervousness. If he were being honest, he was terrified._

_He wanted to be back with the man at his side. He wanted to share his life with him again. But what if he didn't want him back? _

_What if Remus had found someone else while he was rotting in Azkaban? But, he didn't see any sign of anyone else living or staying with him at his house. The man didn't even have a spare tea cup._

_"Well, I think we can head back to headquarters, let them know Podmore will be there tonight. Then we can split up and go to the new recruits that Mad-Eye requested we speak to, though why he couldn't do that himself is beyond me." Remus spoke with a shrug, not caring that he appeared to be talking to himself. "We can stop to eat a quick bite, I'm sure Molly has something prepared by now."_

_"No." Sirius stopped him while pulling him into an abandoned alley. He removed the cloak so Remus could see him properly. "I mean...Remus, I mean, what are we going to do about...us?" He emphasized his question by raising their joined hands and Remus looked at them with a shocked stare. _

_Truth be told, he hadn't even realized he had been grasping Sirius' hand at all. It was a simple action, he never thought about it back then when they were young and obviously nothing had changed in that department. _

_Sirius was staring at him expectantly, waiting for him to say something, _anything_, that gave him a clue on where he stood with him. Did Remus still love him the way he was sure he loved him? He wasn't sure if he could handle rejection. Remus was the one man he loved, nearly his whole life..._

_"Well...what do you want to do?" Remus asked, dampening his lips and looking down at their feet. "Because...I'm not sure."_

_Sirius felt his heart sink down a few inches as he mulled over those words. He wasn't sure? "What do you mean you're not sure?" He asked quietly and pulled his hand from his before crossing his arms in an effort to hide the growing pain there._

_Remus sighed and scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably. "I'm just not. How do you want to go about this? Do we just start where we left off? Do we...start over? I don't know what I want to do. I mean-I worry of what would happen if we do the wrong thing. If we just jump back in or start over, what if we get it wrong? I don't know, Sirius."_

_"How do you not know?!" Sirius asked in frustration. "I know _exactly _what I want! I want _you_!"_

_Remus scoffed and shook his head. Hearing his companion's sudden rise in volume, he was grateful that the dark street they were on was deserted. But to be safe, he cast a silent Privacy Spell on the alleyway. "That's not what I said! You know I've always wanted you! I just don't know what to do! We already went through so much before Lily and James died, that starting over just sounds ridiculous. But at the same time we can't just...we can't just jump back in!" He huffed and ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "We can't start where we left off! I'm not some lovesick twenty-one year old anymore, Sirius. I've changed!"_

_"And you think I haven't?!" He asked incredulously. _

_"I fucking know you have! That's just it! We aren't the same people!"_

_Sirius released a huff of air before responding. "Don't give me that shit! We're still you and me! I'm still the man you loved back then."_

_"Are you? So much has changed, so much time has passed that I can't be sure of it right now. I don't even know if _I'm_ the man you loved then. After everything, I changed. I was alone and angry and bitter. I'm still those things! Just fucking older! I wouldn't be able to make you happy like I used to! I'm damaged now! And so are you, you can't deny that."_

_"We've been together for three weeks now. We can work, we've been working just fine." Sirius argued. "And I'm all those things, too. I'm angry because of our time lost, I'm bitter because it didn't have to happen, I was alone! I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be with you. You can make me happy just by breathing, Remus. Give me a damn chance here!"_

_Remus shook his head stubbornly and nibbled on his lower lip. "But three weeks is barely anything. We've been working more than being just us. Tracking people down and being in hiding isn't a sure way to know we still work." He heaved a heavy sigh then. "That's what worries me, what stops me. If we're both bitter and angry, we wouldn't be good for each other or together. Just breathing isn't a way to make a relationship work, Sirius. It's not healthy."_

_"You're a werewolf. It's already not healthy." Sirius muttered sarcastically, feeling annoyed by Remus' words, then realized what he said when Remus' frown deepened and he flinched. "I didn't mean it like-"_

_"Of course you didn't. I'm a fucking werewolf. You're a reckless fucking fugitive." Though it pained him, he ignored Sirius' hurt gasp. "It's all facts." Remus spoke in a clipped tone, not meeting Sirius' eyes. _

_"Don't be mad, Remus, please."_

_"I'm not mad." When Sirius opened his mouth to protest, he raised his voice to talk over him. "That doesn't mean I'm not upset and even a little bit hurt by that werewolf comment. And no, I still don't know what I want to do concerning resuming our relationship."_

_Before Sirius could reply to that, Remus began to walk away, causing him to sputter and call out. "Where are you going?"_

_"To go recruit the people Moody wanted us to. You can go on back to Headquarters. I'm fine on my own." With a parting nod and a cold edge to his tone, Remus didn't turn back before he Disapparated. _

_Sirius felt the guilt claw up his chest but knew better than to follow him. He remembered the fights they used to have when they were young; it was always best to leave him to his own devices and let them both calm down. He'd go back to him tonight. He'd apologize. And he'd have to think of a way to calm Remus' worries. He needed to find a way to get back to what they used to have._

* * *

_Glancing at the folded piece of parchment Moody had given him, he double checked that he was at the right flat before knocking twice. He gazed back and forth down the hallway he was standing in and smiled kindly to the elderly muggle woman that was unlocking her own door._

_A muggle building had been a surprise as he rarely met a witch or wizard who felt comfortable enough to live amongst muggles. He, himself, had felt incredibly uncomfortable with the idea, despite the fact that his mother and favorite grandmother were both muggles._

_Before he could think any more about how he probably would've hated having to hide himself even more, the door swung open and a young woman with bright pink hair greeted him with a vibrant smile. He didn't miss how her hand was subtly turned to hide the fact that a wand was up her sleeve._

_"Can I help you?" She asked in a soft and kind voice. As he glanced at her hidden wand, she was staring at his scars and sizing him up._

_He gave her a similar once over and noted that she looked attractive in her Muggle jeans and t-shirt. "I was sent by Alastor Moody. I'm Remus Lupin."_

_"Were you now?" She asked with a hint of suspicion. "I'm sure he would've told me about sending someone to my flat." _

_Remus had expected this and grinned. "I'm quite sure he mentioned recruiting you for something worthwhile."_

_He saw the realization in her eyes and she smirked, "Ah...Come in then." He paced in as she opened her door wider for him and she waited until it was sealed again before she spoke. "I'm sorry, but you can understand my wariness. He told me someone would be in touch when I mentioned wanting to do more in this war, I just didn't expect a wizard here in a Muggle building."_

_Remus nodded in understanding while taking a seat on the bright yellow sofa she gestured to. "I'm sure you would've gotten an owl or even approached at work if it were anyone else. However, my mother was a Muggle so I'm not too out of my element here."_

_That made her smile as she sat across from him in a black recliner. "Really? My dad is Muggle-born. I grew up in a Muggle neighborhood and my parents still live there." She bit her lip suddenly and asked with a slight hesitation, "Do you want some tea?" _

_When he shook his head instinctively, she sighed with relief and giggled. "Good, because I don't think I have any to make." _

_He laughed with her, finding her honesty endearing. _

_"I suck at entertaining, I would shame my mother." She waved a hand and continued her train of thought from before. "I'm glad to meet someone who gets it; living here, I mean. Moody really doesn't understand. He says it's not practical for an Auror to live around so many Muggles but it feels more like home here than a Wizarding area."_

_"I wish I knew what that was like. My parents and I moved around a lot in my childhood, I never really grew up in one spot - save for Hogwarts, of course." He shrugged._

_Tonks frowned and cocked her head to the side curiously. "Why'd you move around? Your parents' work?"_

_He shook his head and debated on telling her for an instant before sighing. If she were to be in the Order, she'd learn anyway. "I'm...a werewolf. That's what these scars are. It happened when I was four, so we moved any time a neighbor realized I wasn't normal."_

_"Oh...that must've been hard to go through." She sighed with a sad frown. "And nosy bigots never make it any easier, do they?" She grumbled and made a face. He was shocked that she didn't look at him in pity or fear. "You know of the Wolfsbane potion, right? Would that, or does that, help you?"_

_Again, she only seemed curious and he smiled gratefully. "Yes, it does immensely. Though I'm always hoping someone finds a potion that takes it away completely."_

_"I'm sure there's a brilliant apprentice out there somewhere just waiting to learn how to put it all together and help people." She smiled with a positivity he knew would be appreciated in the Order. _

_"May they learn fast." He agreed then clasped his hands together. "Now...to why I'm here. Moody explained that you wanted to help in this war, more than you already are as an Auror."_

_She seemed to perk up and nodded. "I really do. As an Auror, I feel like I'm barely doing anything. The bloody minister refuses to believe that You Know Who is back so that makes it that much harder to help anyone now." Her jaw clenched as she spoke through gritted teeth. "Anything I do, any case we get of attacks, it's always chalked up to random acts of violence and never Death Eaters gearing up and it makes me so angry." Her hair suddenly morphed into a deep red and he was transfixed for a moment. "I know I can do more if I'm just given the bloody chance."_

_Her speech and her flickering hair brought a smile to his face. "Yes, the minister is truly in denial. I think it's because of the first war, he doesn't want to admit that we fought all of that for nothing because he's back again."_

_Tonks pursed her lips and squinted her eyes. "No. I've met him. He's just a prat that doesn't like to believe Dumbledore. Even thinks that Harry Potter is nothing but a nutter."_

_Remus scowled for a moment before rolling his eyes, "I shouldn't be surprised."_

_"Not at all." Tonks smirked before taking a deep breath and frowning once more. "You know, I remember. The last war, I remember my parents were so scared. When I was eight, my aunt Bellatrix Lestrange had come to our house. It was _that _night, Halloween of '81. I remember being so excited to go trick or treating with blue hair, then my dad suddenly asking how the hell she found us while mum told us to hide. Then she stormed in and my mum got between us, my dad tried pulling me into the basement, but I didn't want to leave mum alone. So we watched from around the edge of the foyer doorframe."_

_Remus had a fairly good idea of what was to come but felt relieved when he recalled that, according to her, her parents still lived at that house._

_"She had told my mum that the war was nearly won. That there was a place for her if she just saw sense and got rid of me and my dad. Looking back, I think she wanted my mum to kill us and leave with her. Be a true Black daughter and take the Dark Mark." _

_Remus watched as her red hair faded to brown while she stared down at her hands and bit her inner cheek. Obviously, the memory was disturbing and he felt a stab of pain for her; being so young and going through something so terrifying was something he knew well and he hated for anyone else to go through it. _

_"My mum told her to fuck off, essentially, and I remember my dad covered my mouth before I could scream when she raised her wand towards mum. But, she didn't curse her...she pinned her to the wall and then my dad pushed me back, told me to stay back, and raised his wand against Bellatrix. Before my dad could do anything, she cursed him with the Cruciatus in front of my mum. I remember my dad screaming and my mother begging her to stop." Not once did her voice shake, which surprised him as she continued, her nostrils flaring in what he assumed was anger. "She lifted the curse and asked my mum if she still chose us. My mom was still begging her to leave us alone when Bellatrix heard me sniffling. I tried so hard to be quiet, but I sniffled just once. Next thing I knew, both my parents were screaming for me to run and her wand was pointed at me. I was frozen, I was too scared to move."_

_"She cursed you?" He asked in shock, though he shouldn't have been surprised. _

_Bellatrix Lestrange was the most ruthless and evil Death Eater he'd ever heard of. It shouldn't have shocked him as much as it did that she'd cast an Unforgivable on a child, her own niece at that._

_But Tonks shook her head. "No. She said the first syllable, then grabbed at her arm where the Mark was. I can still see her, glaring at me, and she said we were lucky he was calling her. She told me she'd get me one day before Disapparating. Mum fell to the floor and crawled to my dad and I ran to them. We sat there for so long, just hugging and crying. One of my mum's friends Apparated in, telling us that You-Know-Who was dead and Death Eaters were being arrested. And I felt safe again."_

_"I'm sensing a _but_ coming." Remus said with a small smile._

_Tonks returned it and nodded. "But, I still hated that I couldn't help my parents when they needed it. That I just stared and cried. That's pretty much why I became an Auror. And now, it's all starting again and I want to help people but I'm being bloody forced to just stare and cry again. I hate that being an Auror has turned into just staring again."_

_Remus nodded in understanding. "I can see how that would be bothersome."_

_Though he never was an Auror, no matter how much he had wanted to be like Alice and Frank, he could understand her frustration. Being in a position meant to help and protect people yet being forced to ignore the dangers looming? It must've been torture. _

_Suddenly, he knew Moody was right to have recruited her. She definitely had everything that it took to be an amazing member of the Order. _

_"Bothersome? Try fucking irritating and exhausting." She huffed with a shake of her head, making him laugh. "At least Moody gets it. I told him how I felt being held back and he said he knew just where I belonged."_

_"And dare I say it, Moody was right. You would fit in well with the rest of us in the Order." Remus said with an easy smile. "Your colorful language - and hair - may even cause the older witches and wizards to clutch their pearls in horror."_

_Tonks laughed with him, "Oh that sounds like extreme fun! Just wait until I'm out of my professional clothes, I'll really cause a fuss then." She said with a wink._

_Remus' eyes once again traveled down her body and he raised a skeptical brow. "Muggle jeans and a grey shirt are professional clothes?"_

_She looked down at herself then back at him with a smirk. "Duh. These jeans aren't even cuffed. And I save my muggle rock band shirts for off-the-clock wear."_

_Remus gave her a playful look before speaking, "Now, which muggle rock bands are we talking about? I'll be embarrassed for you if you say REO Speedwagon."_

_"You know muggle rock bands?" She asked in surprise before scoffing at his dig. "No, not REO, they're too...ugh. I'm an AC/DC and Heart fan, thank you very much. But I have loads of other favorites. And I may or may not be a sucker for Journey when I'm feeling sappy."_

_He laughed at her reaction then teased. "You don't like Can't Fight This Feeling? I'm pleased you didn't say U2, though."_

_"I will smack you with my Skid Row record if you keep up." She threatened, trying and failing to keep a straight face. "Just what the hell is wrong with U2?"_

_Remus shrugged, chuckling still. "Nothing really, I was just never a fan. Don't tell me you're offended."_

_Tonks smiled, "I'm only teasing. What about you? Favorite band?"_

_"When I was younger and listened to rock music, Black Sabbath. I prefer jazz over rock though." He said with a shrug. "What?" Remus asked with another laugh as she covered her mouth to stifle a sudden fit of giggles._

_"I'm sorry!" She forced herself to stop her laughter and dropped her hands back into her lap. "I was just thinking...Black Sabbath's got a song called Bark at the Moon and well- I'm sorry." She sighed again, suddenly worried that she may have just offended him._

_Instead, to her relief, it was his turn to laugh. Then his smile turned wistful. "My best friends always teased me about that, too. They'd even use a Sonorus on the song to wake me up every birthday since they knew about my secret. Started when we were thirteen."_

_She smiled, "I didn't have that when I was in school. No one really liked me. I was the impossibly weird one. Even my fellow Hufflepuffs steered clear."_

_"That's a shame. All because you have changing hair? You're lucky to be able to do that without charms and potions like the rest of us." He smiled._

_She looked away with a small smile to hide her blush, "Yeah, well...You were lucky to have such good friends."_

_"Yes, I was very lucky to have them for as long as I did." He sighed then and she realized that he'd more than likely lost them._

_With a frown, she asked instinctively. "The Potters?"_

_His brow twitched in surprise before he nodded. "And Peter Pettigrew and Sirius Black."_

_"Ahh. My distant, murdering cousin and his victim, of course." _

_Despite their earlier fight and Remus' hesitance to resume their relationship, he immediately defended him. "No. He didn't murder Peter. Peter betrayed us, gave up the Potters, and framed Sirius." Again, he reminded himself that she'd learn of all this as she officially joined the Order._

_"Wow. How come that isn't public information?" She asked in confusion. "My mum would honestly be pleased. I remember she was rather fond of her cousin Sirius."_

_Remus smiled, vaguely remembering a younger Sirius mentioning that he should meet his equally rebellious cousin some day. "We can't expose Sirius just yet. That's something you'll learn about in your first Order meeting."_

_"Oh, okay." She nodded then tilted her head curiously. "Why is it called the Order? And when is this first meeting exactly? Am I supposed to bring anything or even anyone with me? Is that weird to ask? I meant like...like my mum or something."_

_Remus grinned. "It's not weird." Her excitement and curiousity caused his heart to skip a beat that it hadn't done in so long. It'd been so long that he almost missed it._

_It'd been years since he felt this romantic pull for anyone for the first time. He was always so sure that he'd never feel it again, even for Sirius again._

_Yet here it was happening at the speed of light._

_He then shook his head in an attempt to clear his thoughts before he inhaled deeply and answered each of her questions. "Dumbledore named us, I'm sure he'll explain it to you if you ask. The first meeting is tonight and I'll ask Moody to come get you, he'll give you the location. And you don't have to bring anything...Though I'm sure if you could vouch for her or...anyone, you could bring them along."_

_"Anyone?" She asked with a subtle smile._

_"S-Significant other." Remus stuttered for the briefest moment, hoping he was being subtle enough to remain appropriate._

_She laughed softly and shook her head. "Don't got one of those."_

_"That's surprising." He answered honestly, causing a delicate blush to stain his cheeks. "Sorry, I mean - a woman like you, it's a shock that no one has - uhm." He couldn't even finish his sentence, fumbling over his words before forcing his mouth to shut._

_Again, all she did was laugh. "I'm taking that as a compliment."_

_"That's what it was intended to be." He smiled shyly. _

_The silence that filled the air was tinged with a teasing sort of energy, a flirtation and they both felt it. _

_Before either could think of another thing to say, Remus stood and brushed his palms against his trousers. He didn't fully understand why his palms were quite so sweaty. "Well, I should be going then. I'll see you tonight."_

_Tonks nodded and stood with him. Her eyes traveled his figure up and down slowly before she asked a question she hoped would lead to what she wanted. "Promise?"_

_"What?" He asked dimly, not entirely understanding, while walking towards her door._

_She followed him and smiled coyly. "Promise I'll see you tonight?"_

_"You're hoping to see me again?" He asked with a similar smile, hoping he wasn't misreading anything. He didn't think he could handle the embarrassment if he was._

_Tonks smirked and put her hands in her front jean pockets. "Don't pretend you aren't hoping for the same thing."_

_"There's no need to hope. I see myself time and time again every time I pass a mirror." He joked as she stepped up closer to him._

_"You think you're funny." She spoke softly with a roll of her eyes, taking a few more steps until she was invading his personal space with his back to the door. Her hair changed to a shade of pale pink that he found incredibly endearing._

_He was planning on saying he knew he was quite funny, but for the first time in years he let his deepest desire control his movements as he bent down and pressed his lips against hers._

_For the briefest of moments, she froze, and he was terrified that he _had_ misread the signals. But then she gripped the front of his shirt and had her body pressed up against his while she kissed him back with a passion he hadn't felt in years._

_His arms wound around her back and one hand reached up into her hair, gripping softly and making her hum against him._

_The sound sent fire through their veins, making both their movements turn frenzied. He let go of her hair so he could tug at her shirt as his lips trailed down to her neck. She began to fumble with his belt while gasping for air as his teeth grazed a particularly sensitive spot against her collarbone._

_The clang of his belt coming undone made him that much more desperate to rid her of her shirt, just so he could _see_ the flesh he was already touching. When she pulled away from his eager nips and yanked it off herself, he smirked at her lust filled eyes and her bra-less chest._

_She smirked just the same and felt a thrill go through her as his eyes darkened the more he stared at her. "Your turn." Not able to take it anymore, she wandlessly vanished his shirt buttons and tore at the fabric until it fell away and she was greeted with his fit and scarred chest. _

_Remus laughed at her impatience and grabbed the top of her arms to pull her against him. As their lips met once more, Remus turned them to press her against the door as she gripped his shoulders. His hands moved down to grasp her arse and hold her up as her legs lifted to wrap around his waist._

_She moaned as his tongue pushed against hers and she felt his hardness press against her already aching center. Rolling her hips against him caused a delicious groan to escape him. In response, he started grinding against her roughly and grinned against her mouth when she cried out. _

_She was just about to vanish her damn jeans and panties and push his trousers down when a tapping sound echoed through her flat._

_Both of them froze and pulled away, panting heavily as they each turned to look in the direction the tapping was coming from._

_The Black blood in her had the urge to spell the blasted bird to fly away or just disappear, but seeing as it was Moody's owl... "Damn it." She groaned and slowly unwound her legs from his waist. Yes, her mentor was going to be hexed severely for this interruption._

_"Can't you ignore it?" He asked breathlessly, still holding onto her arse but lowering her until her feet were back on the ground. He knew he should've been feeling and thinking a million things, particularly some guilt or maybe even of Sirius, but he just wasn't._

_The only coherent thought running through his mind was that, more than anything, he wanted the witch that was so closely pressed against him. He wanted to continue what they were doing. He wanted to feel and taste every inch of her._

_She grinned at his words and leaned up on her tiptoes to kiss him softly. He kissed her back gently and moved his hands to press against her bare back. He noticeably shivered when her bare chest pressed against his._

_Pulling away before they could get carried away again, she looked up at him and lifted her hand from his neck to brush against the side of his face. "He's Moody's owl. He'll never shut up if he's ignored. Besides, I'm glad he stopped us."_

_Remus' eyebrows slowly furrowed and she felt him tense in her arms as he began to stammer. "I'm sorry...I-I thought you- I didn't mean to take adv-" _

_She halted his words by pressing her palm against his mouth and smirked at him. "Stop. Did it look like I was being taken advantage of at any time? I _definitely _wanted it and you. I still do."_

_His cheeks warmed at that and he smiled. "Good...I still do, too - want you, that is."_

_Boldly, she reached her hand down and stroked him through his trousers and felt elated when he clenched his eyes shut and exhaled shakily. "I can tell."_

_"Then...why did you say you were glad that owl interrupted us?" Remus asked, opening his eyes and meeting her still blazing gaze. _

_Tonks giggled at his confusion and pushed him a bit so he'd step back. Reaching down to grab her discarded shirt, she explained. "I like you. And I have a terrible track record of screwing it up with people because I move too fast." She pulled her shirt back on and looked at him. "I'm changing that today."_

_"So...You want to take things...slow?" Remus asked, still slightly confused, as he grabbed his shirt she was holding out to him._

_Tonks shrugged with a small smile. "Is that alright with you? We don't have to shag right here and now. Let's be friends and see what happens."_

He had no idea why he had agreed to that.

He had no idea why he wanted her so much that he would agree to be friends and take things slow. Especially when he hadn't even though of that when Sirius asked him what he wanted.

What the fuck was he supposed to do?

He still loved Sirius and he was sure a part of him always would. But these feelings for Tonks were so new and exciting that he couldn't get her or their heated kiss and her naked chest out of his mind.

"Remus?" A voice from his bedroom doorway startled him and halted his pacing.

When he looked at who it was standing there, the guilt he'd felt the moment he'd stepped out of Tonks' flat doubled in his chest. "Sirius..."

"Are you still angry?" Sirius asked timidly, slowly walking into the room and up to him. "I'm sorry for what I said. I know it was uncalled for."

Sirius should've punched him in the throat, it would've hurt less.

Remus shook his head and walked the few steps needed to close the gap between them. "I'm not angry, Padfoot. I'm sorry for what I said, too."

"Apology accepted." Sirius smiled, obviously relieved. "And I've been thinking..."

Trying so hard to keep his guilt off his face, Remus raised his brow questioningly. "About?"

"What do you say about just taking things slow and seeing where we end up?" His eyes were so full of hope and his smile was so bright. He really thought he had the most perfect plan in regards to them being a couple, it nearly tore Remus' heart out right there in the middle of the room.

_Merlin, why is this happening? _

Not just Tonks, the new witch that just pranced into his life out of nowhere...But now Sirius was saying the same thing?

His werewolf hearing detected the downstairs Floo igniting and new voices joining in with the already familiar tones of the Weasleys and he could just hear Tonks introduce herself. Her voice made his heart skip a beat and he wasn't sure what kind of man that made him.

Sirius still was staring at him, waiting for him to respond. And Merlin strike Remus down right now, he couldn't bear the thought of breaking his heart.

"I like that idea very much." He heard himself saying, even though his conscience was telling him to reveal what nearly happened today.

Sirius' smile brightened even more and he quickly grabbed the other wizard in a tight embrace. "We'll make this work, love, I promise." Remus' arms wound around him automatically and he tried desperately to ignore the comparisons that were flooding his thoughts.

Where Tonks was soft in his embrace, Sirius was firm and toned.

Where Tonks was wild and new, Sirius was familiar and comforting.

_Oh, Merlin, what am I going to do?!_

"Now let's go downstairs, the meeting is about to start and I can't wait to meet the newer faces." Sirius snapped him out of his thoughts and let him go, practically skipping out of the room and down the flights of stairs.

Remus followed, mentally begging Merlin to help him figure out just what he was supposed to do.

When he got to the first floor and saw Tonks amongst the crowd of newcomers, he tensed for the briefest of moments before plastering a smile on his face and introducing himself to the others in the room.

Tonks slid up to him, proud of herself for not tripping, and looked up at him with a mischievious grin. "Fancy seeing you here."

Chancing a glance at Sirius to be sure he wasn't staring at them, Remus noted that he was far too busy greeting and hugging several of the original Order members. Relieved for that, Remus turned and smiled at the witch, working hard to push the image of her bare chest and lust filled eyes out of his mind.

"I'm very glad you could make it." He murmured and grinned as she winked before following Moody out of the room with the others.

Remus forced himself to take a deep and calming breath before walking into the meeting room himself. He just knew tonight was going to be particularly hard for him.

Especially when he realized that Sirius and Tonks just happened to be sitting side by side.

_Fucking hell._

Falling in love can be so easy when you don't realize it's happening.

Remus Lupin knew that to be a fact.

It happened only once in his life.

Or, at least he _thought_ it happened only once in his life.


End file.
